It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. Me: Nope. Im planning an event on Day, are you free? (Full disclosure: Whole in-law family are control freaks and this type of thing IS a setup with them. I think Im just reacting to the comments that seem to me to have a Thats just the way it is, you have to deal vibe, partly because it seems to make sense that someone would write in for specific strategies of how to deal while getting as much of what they want and as little of what they dont want as possible. I like your point that it does actually give people the outyouve put it in their minds that they can say Im busy., Its what I dothough I often try to say the thing first (Want to go to a movie? I think it depends a lot on context. I think theres some ask culture vs. guess culture stuff in here too? (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. Honestly, about 90% of *soft* invitations to me fall flatly to the ground because I dont pick up the work of planning, timing and reissuing that invitation. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. !" 6) "Come back here weekend!! Good to know! Its just one of the normal options. And LW is already handling the situation in the best possible way by giving noncommittal answers. It might be helpful to reframe this, because the vast majority of the time its not going to be meant as a high-pressure question. I prefer living and working in places with a major international contingent for that reason so that different is what is normal. Theres also I want to ask you to help me with a project tonight. It doesnt actually mean how are you? in the same way that goodbye does not actually mean God be with you. What it means is, I acknowledge you, fellow human being. In some ways, its helpful to think of it not as a phrase but as a pair of words: how-are-you, fine-thanks-and-you. 2) They are thinking of asking you to do something with them but are fishing around first because theyre afraid of asking directly right out either afraid of rejection or sometimes afraid of putting you on the spot or sometimes they just feel like it sounds too abrupt and unnatural to just without some chat first. [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. Aunt: Are you doing anything this weekend? And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). 1. Am I supposed to answer? Its been pretty good policy.) I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. Yes! 1. Why not? (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. How do I know if my comment was lost or is just stuck in a mod queue? I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? I want collaborators, not pupils. Id like to do a bit better with my own kids. If you want to invite them, INVITE. The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). If I had a tail, I would wag it! Its not a question I like either, some of which is due to manipulative/pushy people angling for my time/energy like in the letter, and some of it is due to feeling like I have to feign excitement or a more interesting life in order to keep the conversation going, which is draining (IDK if this is an introvert vs extrovert thing or like how some people seem to have no trouble filling the conversation or making their lives sound interesting; I am not one of those people). This is where you really have to double down on the super-beaming positive manner of absolute assurance. Published: August 09, 2021. Kind of a random revelation after reading everyones advice and responses: I think this is up for me right now because Im new to the online dating world and, because of my past experience with my family, I am having a hard time telling if the question is of the innocuous kind (like when co-workers ask my plans for the weekend), a soft opening to trying to ask me out, or the kind of manipulation that Ive, for better or for worse, learned to be on alert for. How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. We received your email and will get back to you with a (human) response as soon as possible. Nothing? I think theres a frustratingI dont know what to call it, but adding monetary transaction to a relationship doesnt always make it better. Sometimes, it's good to be a little silly and fun! Why? All of these. 1. I still have the same question of why do this? If I say why and she responds with something easily done another time or only sort of appealing, Ill judge it against a nice evening of doing nothing and maybe pass. Numbered point 4 specifically says LW doesnt understand why people are asking this, hence the many explanations of different reasons people ask, and while the possible manipulation is noted in numbered points 2 and 3, its not the only thing LW is asking about, while point 3 suggests to me that LW may well be reading manipulation into cases where people are just curious or are actually trying to do the planning themselves (by finding out if LW is even available for a possible activity), not trying to make zir do the planning, as ze suspects. Why do you ask, why, is something happening, and why, whats up are different answers that extend the convo while not telling porkies. I then fully expect to be the person who takes the next step of saying yay! Nanani, that is absolutely true. A playful Why, whats up? is cool, but I am probably not compatible friends with someone whose response to a polite-small-talk/soft-invite-opening is to demand why I am asking such a nosy question. Sounds like hes a robot instructed to find out a fun thing the customer is doing later. So the onus is on you, when talking to a new person, to communicate that youre just interested in exchanging chitchat about what everybody did/will do over the weekend. Yeah, I definitely use this question as way to be polite. Its really not you, its them. I usually just say Im doing laundry. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. The vague redirect is also a standard, recognized move. You are hearing pressure where there is none; and even if there were a little pressure, the grownup way to deal with it is to push back firmly but politelyno whining, no yelling, no accusing, no lecturing. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. If banal small talk that most people use is offensive to you, thats on you to tell people, I think. Answer with small truths. Why is that worth it? If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. You're not obligated to tell others your plans for the future, if you even have them. I dont think my friends are trying to put me on the spot at all. Shampooing the grass. Ask back? Them We need to have lunch soon Just standing here waiting for stupid questions I guess. Not much fun, but also not optional right now. (Aunt doesnt need to know whether your laundry has reached the point of not going to have clean clothes to wear or not.). Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. You (if you are not up for it, whether the reason is actual business or not wanting to at all) oh, I wish I could I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. 1. I have done that just doing errands/washing the car/housekeeping/taxes/library/walking the dog you? and still gotten a but are you doing anything FUN follow-up question(s). Oh god then you might need to find less-jerky friends, probably. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. If youve never read, The Gift of Fear, the critical point is that niggling things like exactly this are the warnings that can save your life and that there is literally no better metric than that the situation is giving you that reaction, no matter how small or how you try to dismiss it. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). Later that evening I find out through facebook that HE went out ice skating, with several of our friends, and he had never even mentioned to me that he was going, let alone asked if I wanted to come too! Im white. Which I learned is a great policy to do with favor sharks. In this post, we'll throw out tons of ways you can tackle this question, from funny to maybe even downright rude. Just looking for my phonehave you seen it? Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. What about you?. If she wants to NOT have some other grownup setting a price on her activities occasionally, she can get a job and move out, and then I wont be saying, a couple of times a month, if youre home tonight, I need you for X.. My current boss is a total jerk. This suitable during the Halloween period. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? Excellent insight and analysis. Read. I saved up enough to move out. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. We should hang out sometime soon! Is something I expect people to either reply yeah that would be fun or ignore/tell me theyre swamped but wish they could do as a no. Make up a lease and sign it. Are you busy? I wish that just once I had the wherewithal to respond to a manipulative invitation like LW describes with the classic Phoebe Buffet line: Oh, I wish I could, but I dont want to.. My range is from fine, thanks, and you to tired but otherwise good to a real answer but nothing too dark or detailed. But for the LW when its potential datepeople, I do find that, Not sure yet why, do you have something fun in mind? has a pretty decent response rate. This business of hanging on to parental authority as a form of rent, however, has already damaged your relationship, from what youre saying. Which sometimes was fine but not always. (Say it like he or she is complimenting you even though he or she is not.) At the same time, someone can just say oh not much if they dont wanna share, which is what I do if my plans that night are private eg therapy. Funny Answers to How Are You Doing? I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. The pushback on needing brain time though makes sense. Because shes a family member. Are you planning something?. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. It changed how I felt about her for a long time. Well, here's that question again: do you know what you want to do with your life or are you still trying to figure it out? I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. How can I ask in a way that minimizes that feeling? I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. Im actually really surprised at how many people have expressed that they find this question neutral small talk and/or dont understand why it can feel so loaded. ooh. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. Lets get together. But you have never issued a direct invitation to me in your life. Aunt: Good! If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. So the question layers, starting with are you free Saturday? Are a strategy Ive used to hopefully take the pressure off other people. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. THIS. An alternative then is to actually mention the fact that you are sending them an email. COME TO LOOSE PLAN HANGOUT THING THAT IM INVOLVED IN OR ELSE YOU MIGHT SHRIVEL AND DIE! and they had the best intentions. I didnt feel like talking to her much for several months. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. I felt disliked, maybe undervalued, often embarrassed (and some of that came from my own brainweasles or ablism in broader society, not primarily my parents) but never unsafe. Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? Overwhelming majority of the time, someone who says why do you ask? wants to know why do you ask. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. W- Work free. Why? I like these types are answers because they have the benefits of: 1. always being true, 2. requiring zero thought (e.g. Of course, YMMV, and you know your family and the situation better than I do. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. This is a great one because it invites the other person to tell you something that they want to share. I decided we couldnt be friends anymore after one time I told her I couldnt babysit and she said, Your calendar says youre free. (Right Now): What are you doing sometimes means at the very present in which activity are you involved in? I also dont hesitate to tell people, Id have to check my calendar, what about you? in response to this kind of question! If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. I will probably just need some time to unwind, perhaps to watch the Winter Olympics with my cat.. Are you willing? or, if Im feeling that Im entitled to demand it, Ill say, are you available? (example: Im not going to react well if you want to play Minecraft instead of helping me wrap the favors for grandpas birthday dinner; if youre getting together with friends, online or IRL, or doing homework, OK). 2. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. Him: Doing anything else? Its a little involved because Mittens needs daily collagen injections and also shes doing primal scream therapy. You can answer a pleasant: Nothing much! or Youre looking at it, breakfast was great! or I hope you get some free time later today, the weather is lovely! without worrying about it at all. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. Oh, theyre going to the movies on Saturday? I find the amount of people suggesting this interesting. @Helen Huntingdon, that is good to know, re feelings and setting off yellow flags. I always just say What do you have in mind? It hasnt failed me yet! I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. Enjoying life and nothing else. That said, you do have to be ok with saying no. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. Thats not an uncommon experience. What are you doing? When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. I completely get anything to do with joint maintenance of shared space responsibilities for shared spaces need to be clearly shared out and individuals need to do their share. There is literally a meme that says When you ask me what Im doing today and I say Nothing, it does not mean Im free. Hah. I used to preemptively dodge any potential would you like to / can you do X follow-ups by making vague allusions to being busy upfront (PASSIVE), and then Id weakly paw away their insisting that I can/should be able to do it because THEY think I have the time to. Totally fair and perfectly polite. Then they use your answer to decide if you're the sort of person who gets to join their clan and engage in merriment and shenanigans on a regular basis. More words, people, not less. I find looking out for the people who cause difficulty when things dont go their way, is more useful than trying to figure out all the numerous different ways common interactions could be interpreted and trying to use the right one for every situation. In general, most people will expect a response like this when they . If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). My parents and my in-laws have requests that my husband and I dont feel we can refuse. Theres also nothing wrong with the sitting alone in the dark rocking back and forth, it just seemed a good description of the void my mother thinks no plans equals. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. Theyre private and you dont need to know them. Them (if it was an invitation prequel) would Thursday at noon work for you?, Them We need to have lunch soon I absolutely support you insisting on it and tossing her out on her ear if she doesnt want to. You? This particular response though, is one of my favorite comments ever.
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