They analyze all of their failed relationships, reminisce, and learn about each other more deeply. I once joked to a friend that if shelost it completely and killed my sister and I, he would say, shame about the kids. Again, the problem is that it happened too soon no time for him to grieve properly or me. Where they went, what they ate, how they laughed.so I set to trying to say the right thing and be supportive even thought I didnt like the idea of this woman. How to sew my own clothes? I believed up until 3 years ago that if my father had his time again he had learned lessons and would not behave the same way. Hope all works out for you and that you find some peace. If I become estranged when she move on, it will be easier to deal with the death of that parent as we have already parted in the living years. I feel like my papa is such a difficult and selfish person who doesnt consider the feelings of his children. So cheer up girls you could be dealing with multiple step families. I didnt feel resentment anymore, and it helped that the lady hes seeing is a lovely classy lady who I am quite fond of, and this doesnt feel like an intrusion into my family, the way it used to. I attemped suicide several times, and quit caring anout myself. She also lost her husband same year as my mom. I would not allow myself to start crying even one more time. before she was rushed by ambulance to the Hospital. I am a 41 yr old widower, father of three kids, daughter 8 and twin 6 yr. old boys, who lost his wife of 11 years, the last five she was sick and dying of colon cancer. I truly want her to be happy and have tried step back and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective but I am having great difficulty. Sometime in your life, your own children may be going thru the same experiences that you are going right now. My mother passed in April 2011, and by January of 2012, my father became involved with a woman he dated before marrying my mother, thirty-eight years ago. That is why I am able to see what my father meant by I can be dating someone and still love your mom and miss her. Sorry for all the misspellings above. Certificates, awards etc. I agree with some of you that at this time of our lives we are very vulnerable, we can make mistakes with relationships because we dont have the tools, awareness, and you become almost like a teenager, naive in some ways, excited about anything new, and different, remember we have been in a safe relationship for years. What if she hates you because youre You were saying: Maybe there is a positive side that we havent encountered yet Im still waiting. A good woman would honor her husbands relationships with his family to ensure his happiness. It was a shock!! Up to protect her passing. I wish you great success in love, motherhood, and life. Being issued with a guest towel was terrible. We see her 6 kids, 40 grandkids, ex-daughter-in-laws & all kinds of rif-raf coming & going & trashing Dads house. To make matters worse, they were even intimate within the 30 days following my moms passing. When I asked if they were planning to marry I was told it was none of my business. Maybe over time our feelings will change. My dad died of cancer lung and colon November 2008. We consider ourselves nothing short of blessed to have met and enjoy each other so much. What I would do is to call your dad and tell him you would like to sit down and talk to him alone. Do not live in the same painful place, allow yourself and your family to move on, to grow. It sucked having to hear every once in while about the court problem. My mom whom was my teammate died suddenly it was most horrible experience of life, Im devastated. Also, that's an insane amount to pay for a phone bill. Decide if you to cry on two years. I had a long talk with him the other day and tried to explain that his relationship with my sister has gotten worse and worse over the years and if he fails to go to her wedding, it will be another big wedge between them. Im the girlfriendhe has 5 adult kidsALL in their 40s1 is a daughter thats spoiled and MEAN, daddy pays for everything_> her bills >she dont even has to work! I am afraid he is going to make a mistake that will cause a rift in our already hurting family. You may assume you bring all this joy to the mans life, and you think of your own needs in justifying the relationship, but as a woman, I feel that the disrespect to my mothers memory and to family, even if I seem to be the only one devastated, angry and in grieving now for the loss of my dad due to the girlfriend, is beyond anything I would bring to the children of that family if I were thinking of swooping up a widower 4 months after the death of a spouse. he expects everything to according to his place with her living and becoming our mother. They talk on the phone often and I believe he gave her a really nice Christmas gift! Life is raw, real and will make you feel every emotion and that is okay. In retrospect, I truly did need that time to just feel normal and not talk about it. To make it worse my Dad moved 7 hours from all of us kids and we havent heard from him very often. He was very sick for a long time before he died with cancer. I know inevitably there will be further learnings, low points, and realizations. However, as big events come up in our lives, issues come up. The girl is only 25 years old. My dad had a Christmas decorating the tree party a couple weeks before Christmas for all his On another occasion she said Id never noticed what fat arms you have.. I think this will really help. No one is arguing that at all. Yes, certainly more culpable if you ignore your young childrens feelings but also for in-laws and adult children too. You do not exist to subsidize your mother's life. He would just come by and drop off boxes and boxes of pictures and not go thru them. It was probably the peak of our relationshipnever had we been closer. He was not the only person to conclude thus. My father is volatile and a bully and so guiltily I became relieved when she was about as he did not treat me so badly. After a year of my distancing myself and my family ,due to awkward and mean conversations with him, he called me one evening yelling swearing and finally telling me I was never to be in contact we him ever again, then hanging up on me! Sadly, Mom passed away in 2002 from that awful C wordCancer. Let go. This women across the street would come over often, and every time I was there just to be irritating to me because she knew we did not care for each other. But how much do you put up with before youve had enough? Moving on with life as he says. The bushes were drying out because they were too big and not getting enough water, when its been over 110 degrees here for many many days. She makes her own clothes she has no job she lives in a room in her sisters house where she is the primary caregiver for their mom when all the sisters are at work. ( the dynamics may change) I know that there is a sense of family loss when your father or mother enter a friendship or more serious relationship with someone else. I'm sure there are other Redditors who have experienced something like what you're experiencing, too, and would be willing to talk. We do not want to lose our relationship with our dad completely, and we know it would upset him not to have us in his life at all, but there is no give and take, not compromise, no willingness to try to accept our feelings. It helped me to learn ways to understand my feelings and cope with them. I decided I was going to finish school for her and myself (which I did!). Thank goodness for social media, it helps a little. Issues like this will continue to arise, for example, when we begin having our own children, and we will continue to grow farther apart. However, my moms health took a turn for the worse. My mom passed in Jan. A recent widow called my dad in March.. Is it possible these people are sometimes looking for financial gain? I found out from my SIL at the hospital while waiting during my bros triple by pass heart op, that he had taken me out if his will. My future step daughters (in their late 20s) do not accept that my fianc have a new person in his life. My sister does not like her because she thinks they were going together before my Mom even died, or soon after and kept it a secret. They will be getting married September 10. I guess since I was close to my mother, I just dont understand Ellens relationship with her sons. I, too, was very close to my mom. We both knew it was her fault-she was just so stoned when we met her. Your mother who has passed away and is in heaven wants you to be happy which is your job here on earth. Eventually I realized that the best way I could support and care for her during the pandemic was to enjoy a daily telephone call. He tells me not to bring my mom up in front of her. The picture he showed me showed a beautiful girl that looks about 19. Maybe even when my Mom was alive. Hes only been dating her 3 months and Ive just been told he will be bringing her to visit when he sees us over the summer. Its no good getting mad at the shark because it attacks you. I visit every other day alternating with my sister. I'm an American with T-Mobile. ), and leaving pills everywhere-not in bottles but on countertops-Xanex, Valium, pain killers, appetite suppressants even though she told me she never takes any meds. She is not my family. I am torn between supporting his decision, and speaking honestly: its too soon. For that he must bear responsibility. Wow. Daddy has made her co-dependent on him for everything! I forgot to mention in my original post, but I need to mention this also. He has chosen her over me and Im in straight hell constantly being reminded of my moms death as she is living much better in my house with her nose in the sky and always wnjoying when me and dad fight cuz of her. I dont know why this hurts us so much. I am not even one bit curious about her and I never ask any questions. Well, I walked into the church and she was standing there, waiting to begin the procession. he lied to me before when i asked him of his relationship and goes off to see her whenever he wants. We understand that he will cultivate other friendships and relationships in his life. again Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. I did not mind that he was dating it all comes down, to who he is dating. Well, about 5 months ago he started dating a woman who he met from one of my moms bests friends. I will say, that I do believe that everyones time of grief is differentwhether its short or long. Its not a case of not liking dads new partner,its the fact that hes totally different with her than he was when mam was alive. We both had spouses that die under the terrible cancer disease. It eats away at me every single day. Ten weeks after my mothers death this woman began coming to stay in the house.I cannot describe the awfulness of that time. He was not there for my husband as my husband went through the grief that his mothers death left. She was also in the same boat as yours that almost none of her friends had lost a spouse yet so nobody really understood what she was going through. I knew he was dating but he had never told me, id even met his girlfriend and he told me she was a friend. Ministers and priests are great resources for the bereaved. Reading through the different experiences that people have shared on this website has been a little helpful. . Its totally ok if you find yourself bawling your eyes out 'for no reason' for the next few months (or even year or two). However, and this is the crux of the matter- it is my father from whom I am owed a duty of care and not from her. People are here looking for comfort, and you bash them. About 8 months after my mom died my dad started seeing someone this person that he is seeing was a friend of my mothers back in the day. Thank all of you for your stories, but heres mine I just found out that my Dad is beginning a relationship with a new lady, so I instantly came home and found this amazing website. (My mother used to make jokes about her-that she was ugly, an old maid, etc). He was alright. This came out of the blue, as I had just seen him several months prior and there was NO mention of him ever wanting to get back into the dating pool. What will I do? she said. I found her to be disrespectful & a very good liar. Me and my sibling have tried to talk to him, but to no avail, its all about him!!! Some conditions won't hold up in court -- a requirement that you break the law, for instance -- but if your parents give you ownership of the home as long as you let your sibling live there rent-free, you might have to let her. I implore you do this one unselfish thing for your children as honouring your late spouse or partner. He only started dating after a few years (well, to what we know and thats fair in my eyes). Isnt it obvious that the reason my sister has the worst relationship of all with my dads wife is because she lost her relationship with my dad because of his relationship with his wife?? Hi Sonia, I dont see anyone on here disagreeing with that or disliking their parents happiness and desire for companionship. that is all fine & after a respectful time (my definition of this would be 6 months or more), than go for the intimate stuff. While they were gone I went to the house and the girlfriend had packed up a ton of my Moms things. On behalf of the OP, thanks KilgoreTroutIsMyHero. (Of course, his wife was invited also, and my sister has told her that she is still welcome to come even if he does not.) Anyway, I am furious about this entire situation. What can I say to her or how can I help her understand that life will still go on without my dad, especially when I am dealing with his loss as well? My kids will always be my priority but I need to be happy too. I called my dad to check up on him. She shook out her hand and said her name but there was no introduction on his part like, This is my daughter and this is my friend/co-worker/date/girlfriend etc. So I sat there the whole concert wondering who the heck this woman is. Web6.5K views, 109 likes, 83 loves, 0 comments, 3 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from ANIMI: 250 If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him. But he doesnt get to make an end run around you. But for right now I am ok with at least being able to see my father periodically and trying. We can plan and think well know how well react, but life just happens to all of us. But why on earth is the phone bill 400$?! Its not unusual for unintended resentments to arise in situations such as yours, and it may be helpful to know that you do have some control over this situation. I feel the pain of all the daughters on this website and Im glad I found this site. She shouldn't make any big decisions (my mom kept talking about selling the house and moving, for example, even though she loves it there) until she is settled down and has adjusted to the new normal. I feel at this point that my dad died too. My father has now moved in with his girlfriend and lives in her house. I do feel that mom thinks its all about her right now. We were horrified, but decided to think of our children instead of ourselves, and we allowed it. He is only thinking of himself. Our loved ones leave us and we are broken and have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to have family dinners with that empty place at the table. Today, they went shopping for a bed. However, the engagement and upcoming wedding (December 1st!!) I have tried to explain to him how I feel and I think he just gets upset and really doesnt understand. My mother died of cancer when I was 16 and my sister and brother were 18 and 14. My sisters and I say that she is acting this way because she is manipulative and plotting. Then we get an email from our dad on new policies of his home,on what we can do and cant do, to what bathroom you can use that is another story in itself. I realized, its not about me, its about him. Press J to jump to the feed. I have basically lost my mother, father and sister who is too afraid to stand up to dad and have no parents. It seems to me the concept of family and what means to really show up and fully support what your family needs is a hard thing for some people. It has crossed my mind that hes in it for his estate or money. I am just not going to feel sorry for someone who is disliked by both her family and his. We are all somewhat scarred from all weve been through. Im Dave who posted in November of 2014 . You get to decide who to reach for to meet your ever-changing needs. Then I checked his texts on my moms phone and all evidence points to them being intimately involved.
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